On the whole, I don’t like OCD otter. People use things that don’t really apply to OCD as an illness. I know memes are just a laugh really, but this is the only OCD otter I found that shows what an affliction it can be.
Back when I was living at home, seven hours is not an exaggeration. I used to do rituals for a lot longer than that each day. It still takes me ages to leave my flat because certain things take so long.
Insanity, profanity, and cake.: More pondering: This day two years ago
So in 2010, my new years resolution was to write a good thing about each day on my calendar. Almost as a scare tactic, I have that calendar up in my living room, to remind me not to go down that horrific path again. And March 4th 2010 sticks out in my head. My good thing for that day was “Mummy…
Thing I hate about my body are displayed here. My mis-shapen ribcage and my match-stick arms; the fact I am disproportionate in places. But I am learning to accept these flaws because that’s the body I was given and that’s not going to change. I know I am thin. I always have. My main concern is my health.
These photos were not taken in an attempt to gain sexual attention. Wearing little clothing does not always mean that. I am a young woman trying to make peace with myself after years of struggling with mental health problems.
Eating Disorder Awareness Week! I am promoting body confidence and acceptance. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always feel good about myself or feel comfortable in my body. But right now, I feel good. And I am going to flaunt it. Why the fuck not?
I posted these yesterday on my main blog. Nudity needn’t be sexualised or taboo. I took advantage of the fact I felt confident and happy in my body last night.
Remembering the point of this blog, take 2.
(Typical, I wrote this entry and then the internet connection went, so I had to try again…)
Hello everyone.
I’ve not updated in quite a while. I guess I’m lacking inspiration. So lately I’m becoming increasingly aware that the issue of self-acceptance and body confidence amongst guys is really not touched upon enough. I was inspired to make this blog after seeing Tumblr full of ‘thinspo’ and photos of self-harm. But such problems are not exclusive to girls. Mental health problems are just as much of a problem for guys too. And it is far from true that eating disorders solely effect teenage girls.
The aim of this blog was to help and encourage people to accept themselves inspite of their illnesses, scars and physical insecurities - this still stands. And though I don’t want this to be a blog dedicated purely to eating disorders, I do want to make E/D posts more relevent to guys. I just need your support to get things back on the road again.
Phoebe x.
What’s the use in being straight up and down, all boyish?
I know I’m naturally thin, but I have Beyonce hips - nine inches wider than my waist - and I bloomin’ like it.
My first experience of drinking alcohol.
It is relatively unheard of for someone my age not to drink alcohol at all. I have been teetotal for my whole life. Somehow, that changed today.
I hate to bring the positivity of this blog down, but I’ve had a bad week. All over the place. I recently started on a new medication (quetiapine, only 25mg a day) that is an anti-psychotic. It acts as a sedative; luckily not to the extent mirtazapine did earlier this year (after taking only 7.5mg, it would send me to sleep for seventeen hours on average). I’ve been drowsy and quite depersonalised. If I’m not feeling particularly down, I’m just not quite tuned in. I can’t work out what I feel or what I am thinking. Just drifting about not really aware of much. It’s what I call “cotton-wool brain”.
ANYWAY, back on topic. This morning I felt terrible. Not wholly unprovoked like the rest of the week. I was thinking about the past two years, and what I wreck I was. And how over the last eight months or so, so many people have disappeared from my life, predominantly because of my illnesses. Either they couldn’t cope when I was at my worst or they didn’t understand and so abruptly cut off any contact with me. One friend would influence another until a whole friendship group had gone. Most of whom I talk about were barely ever exposed to me during an episode. One friend who played a big part in taking care of me earlier this year couldn’t cope anymore, and despite our closeness then we don’t even talk any more. It’s painful.
I’m waffling again. So yes, alcohol. The main reason I have never drank was because I am emetophobic (Google for a definition). It’s an irrational fear I remember having from my earliest memories and it goes hand-in-hand with OCD. I’ve always known that alcohol in moderation would not put me at risk of this phobia, but like I said, it’s irrational. Being around drunk people has been very difficult in the past for the same reason. Luckily, the phobia doesn’t interrupt with having a normal life like it did when everything snowballed a couple of years ago.
I have felt very pressured to drink from the age of around fifteen. There have been times when I have been tempted but I was just too scared. And today, after being on an emotional rollercoaster, whilst buying the usual bread and breakfast cereal etc, I decided I wanted to drink tonight. My friend was a little worried but made sure I chose something with a low alcohol percentage and what she thought I’d like. She was worried I would regret it.
I just wondered how the sudden change of heart came to be. I realised it was because after a rollercoaster week and looking back on the last two years of being notably ill, I wanted to pretend I was normal. That I didn’t owe my life to medications and that my once frieends weren’t scared of me. By drinking, that was one thing that set me apart from other people that I could change. I can’t get rid of my disorders/illnesses. I can’t make the past change, but this one little thing brought me closer to being the average young adult.
I didn’t have much, to be fair. Some fruit cider. But, as low a dose as I’m on, alcohol and quetiapine apparently aren’t the best of friends. If I do decide to start drinking, I have to wait a few months as my body grows accustomed to the new meds. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing right now.
